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The closure letter

Sep. 16th, 2007 | 07:34 pm

I need you to remove my name from alt and collar me please.

I've decided to write to you even though I know you will more than likely throw this away as you've never been good at having people point out what you don't like. Why I have to write it is because unlike you, I need the closure. Unlike you I don't cover up the baggage and move on. I need to vocalise it as women do. As a neurotypical person, I'm going to get my closure by penning this. Because I'm ready to move past you and the 5 years we were together, healthily and with my emotional baggage dealt with.

See this you and Alex thing is slapping me in the face every few weeks. The more people tell me about you two and how long it's been going on for is like reopening a wound to let it fester. Being told you were telling people she was your partner less than 3 weeks after I left you – what kind of behaviour is that? You can't imagine the hurt involved there? How easily I was replaced invalidated the years we were together; especially with a woman of no class, no integrity, a prostitute for gods sake, a woman who sexually predated you. A woman who says anything, makes up fanciful stories about herself just to please people, to put herself in a position of familiarity like she tried to do to me; using me to get to you. It was so obvious on LJ and my WHIPP list. Even our friends tried to tell you this but you wouldn't listen, which is why I asked you not to have anything to do with her.

But you did didn't you? You were still in contact with her and never told me. That's deception Gordon. Then you lied to me about going to Lex's. "It was pretty boring I left fairly early," you said on the phone. Imagine my horror when I find out months later that you took Alex there and played with her! A deliberate lie Gordon that hurt beyond belief. Knowing that all my friends knew about it for months before I did.

You never told me that after you moved to Sydney she moved to Sydney within a few streets from you as well. No wonder it was easy for you to be in touch with her so easily. That's an unforgivable betrayal of trust. Do you realise that? I will never forgive you for that deception. Do you know how much it hurt when I was told a month ago "oh no she's not living with him Sim she just moved a few streets away from him after he moved to Sydney". Just like she did in Wollongong – warning stalker predator!!! How can I believe anything you told me about the things you did on your own in Sydney; going to Sexpo, out to dinner, walking around markets, did you really do all that on your own? Now I know why you never answered me when I asked why you didn't invite me. With her living so close to you why shouldn't I believe that you were fucking her? You were fucking her less than 3 weeks after I left you. By not disclosing that and having secrets Gordon, I know question everything about you and I've realised I have no idea who you are or what kind of person you are.

Did you ever think about me and how that would affect me? I've had to have a full sexual health exam because she's a prostitute. I can't give blood for 2 years because my partner may have slept with a prostitute behind my back. I can't prove you didn't therefore I have to declare it! The repercussions of your deception will be with me for the next 2 years Gordon – how unfair is that?

Does your family know this? Do they know what she does for a living? Are you lying to them still about your life, disconnecting yourself from them as though they don't exist? What lie do you give them about her "line of work"? I should have seen your relationship with your family as being indicative of your ease in non-disclosure and deception.

I'm just pissed that my friends took so long to tell me about you and her flaunting yourselves at parties and so on. But they wanted to protect me. So for you to turn around and whine to me about why none of them contacted you after I left you…. well maybe your behaviour should tell you why. In fact, so many people have been back in contact with me now because you're not here it's been quite revealing. You need to understand how inappropriate your behaviours are and your insistence on putting your sexual appetite before anyone else in your life affects the relationships you have with people, ergo badly.

I felt so invalidated by the relationship that it's only now in hindsight that I can see how destructive being with you was. Talking it through has helped me understand how crushing Aspergers is and your refusal to deal with it maturely destroyed my self-esteem, my confidence and my spirit. I was so busy trying to deal with your obsession with sex, your blunt and hurtful comments (not meant to be I know but always were), your refusal to see me for the person I was, only what I could bring to you in terms of sexual opportunities with other women; made me feel humiliated to be a submissive, socially inept and socially phobic.

Do you know how hard I worked with you socially? That I had to watch your comments all the time as you always made inappropriate sexual remarks to people who were not looking for it and so I'd pipe in over the top and smooth it out, deflecting attention away from you. Or I'd wait until you were out of earshot and apologise on your behalf. If it was too much for me to deal with I'd leave the party and go for a walk. That's why I did that. When your behaviour became too embarrassing to be around. It's why I began hating going out; you were just socially too much work. And yes I'm aware that the Aspergers influenced a lot of that but you knew that, why didn't you ever deal with it?

Do you realise that your behaviour ruined my social relationships with people at work? When you came to work functions your rude and aloof behaviour made people uncomfortable. How could I tell them "oh he's just pissed off because it's a vanilla function and not about fucking sex?"

Intellectually I got ground down into a pit of insecurity. I used to try so hard to not have an opinion about things with you because you made me feel like I was intellectually inferior. I know you never meant that, but it really made me feel inadequate. The only place I felt like I could hold my own was at work. I know you used to hate intellectually bullying people, but I realised after I left you that I could get distinctions at uni again, that I wasn't as dumb as I felt when I was with you. That I do have a brain and opinion.

Financially I feel betrayed. A man who used to moan at paying bills here, moan that he couldn't afford paying to fix his car all the time, who only paid a ridiculously low $400 a month rent, could suddenly afford a $1,500 mortgage a month, a car loan, new furniture, new camera, new computer. The more money you spent when you moved to Sydney the more I realised you'd lied to me about your financial position. Stu had a shit load more cash than you and a job on a similar salary as yours, yet he couldn't get as big a mortgage as you. Even he said "he must have had a bigger deposit than what he's letting on." Here I was not working, no income, eating into my savings just to keep my share of the bills paid, doing the shopping, and you never once offered to help me out. For 2 years I never ate during the day because I wanted to save the food for dinner when you got home because I knew I couldn't afford to buy food for me; just dinner food and cat food. I used to tell you I'd never eaten during the day and you always replied that I was silly. Did it never enter your head Gordon that it was because I had no money to buy food for myself? That I put on weight because I stopped taking my medication, as I couldn't afford it? That knowing I had no income not offering to pay for me at dinner in restaurants, made our friends feel uncomfortable? So yeah, I do feel like I carried you financially, I let you get away with not helping me at all when I really needed you to.

You moved to Sydney to set your new life up when I still didn't have permanent employment. You made it clear to me by your actions that you were not going to be someone I could rely on. That you had no interest in my wellbeing at all. Even Pete and Jewels tried to reinforce that to you but you refused to think of me at all - only yourself. People were mortified at your selfishness here.

And that's just one of the ways you never made me feel like I was partnered. Your insistence on keeping everything separate between us is not what partners do Gordon – it's selfish. You're supposed to bring together your resources and share things during good times and bad. Watching our friends who were couples sharing everything like normal people do used to fill me with such sadness. I used to think, I wish I knew what that was like but I'll never know. He'll never let me feel like we have a life together, a vision of the future, and a commitment towards a life together in old age. Despite me sitting with you at Stanwell Tops when we started dating and explaining to you what I wanted in life, and you agreeing with me that you wanted a partner too, someone to grow old with, to share things with etc etc, it was really hard to watch you becoming more and more insular as time went on. Watching your sexual obsession take over as a driving force in you, suppressing any aspect of who I was as a person.

I left you because it all became too much. I realised you would never think of me as an important aspect in your life. When I asked you if you wanted to ask Janine to go to cherry's swinging party and you said, "oh no she can't she's already busy." I knew I had to leave you because you had already asked Janine without asking me. That was the catalyst. I knew then that your obsession for sex would always come before me, that it was out of control and that I would always be second, third, fourth fiddle in your life.

And I have blame to send towards myself as well. I never knew how to handle that. I spent so much time pushing down the anger; the hurt and the pain until it would all come spilling out when the straw broke the camel's back. Then you'd shut down. I tried to tip toe around your behaviours and attitudes when they hurt me without dealing with it there and then and I was wrong in that. I made excuses all the time thinking it was the Aspergers when it was just bad behaviour. I should have been more confident to speak out, rage, get angry, deal with it and get over it. But I didn't. I have to learn from that.

As the 12-month anniversary since I left you draws near, I must put distance between you in more ways than just time. Your carryings on with Alex, Grace or whatever the fuck she calls herself now, disgusts people as well as me, so you have to remove all reference to midnightsun from your profiles on alt and collar me.

For the first time in my life after I've left someone I want don't want anyone knowing I was associated with you. And as I'm running parties again, I want my name removed from you as much as possible. This way I can regain some of the class and integrity I was told I had before you.
So do it.

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OCT 11th 2005 - How it ended.

Apr. 16th, 2007 | 11:04 am

Gharlane: you there?
[19:03] Sim: yep
[19:03] MGharlane: tried ringing a short while ago
[19:04] Sim: internet hooked up on home ph and I think my mobile is in the car
[19:05] MGharlane: ok
[19:06] MGharlane: So, do you want to talk about it?
[19:06] Sim: if you do although I have no idea where to start
[19:07] MGharlane: neither do I
[19:08] Sim: I'm just finding that you're more and more distant and emotionally unavailable as time goes on. I don't get any positives from you in that respect
[19:21] MGharlane: I suppose I'm feeling quite depressed because of a number of factors. I'm hating this PhD thing. I really don't want to do it but I have to in order to keep my job. It is really getting me down. I just wish I was an associate lecturer who was just teaching but I'm not sure I could afford doing that. I know you are very unhappy with things and that gets me down. You want me to be a partner and I can't be that partner because I've bought this flat up here. And I suppose you can't be the partner to me when it comes to swinging - which is important to me. I know you've said I can go with Janine but I'm very ambivalent about that because I would like to do it with my partner and I can't do that with you. And I suppose all of this is making me shut down emotionally.
[19:34] Sim: Lets look at things one at a time. When you moved out you acted as though nothing had changed between us and no matter how hard people tried to tell you that you were damaging "us" you could only see the benefits to you. And that hurt me terribly. Then you were telling everyone how happy you were with the flat and living in Sydney again and every time you said those things it was a knife in my heart. Not to mention it made our friends really uncomfortable because they all knew how damaging your move was.
[19:36] Sim: I know when you get an idea in your head you go for it with that Aspergers hyper focus and there's nothing I can do to make you think of anything else or the ramifications of it.
[19:37] Sim: But you have to learn to compromise with people. Me, friends, family anyone. You have to stand back and ask what affects the things you do has on people.
[19:48] MGharlane: I know that. I do try and compromise - even if I fail miserably at it. And I know you and others said that moving to the unit would damage things but I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I was totally fed up with the traveling. It was tiring and draining me. I have been surprised by how much it has polarized peoples opinions. Some seem to think I had to just suck it up and stay put for you, regardless of how I felt, while many others have been surprised that I lasted as long as I did and are quite understanding that I moved.
[19:53] Sim: Well there were other options to explore but you just wouldn't go there. No-one I know felt you had to suck it up here, just that more thought should have gone into exploring other options. But you were so determined that people including me just gave up trying to talk to you about it. And that's where the lack of compromise comes in. You get so determined to have things your way that people just give up. I had to give up. Nothing I said or any options I put to you were acceptable. You bluntly said you wouldn't consider any of them.
[19:54] Sim: People always said "I know the travel must be hard for him , however..."
[19:54] Sim: It was acknowledged
[19:57] MGharlane: Of course people agreed that the travel was hard. But they believed I should stay put anyway.
[19:57] MGharlane: What I didn't really realise was how profoundly buying the flat would affect me. I had never bought property before. Always shyed away from the scary magnitide of it all. So doing this was a major, major event in my life. And I found myself becoming house proud in a way I have never experienced before.
[20:01] Sim: Look at all the I's and my's in that sentence. Nowhere is there an us or we. From day 1 you have said "I want to buy a place for me so that when I retire, I don't have to rely on the government to look after me." I was never included as partner in your plans at all was I? Can you understand how awful that used to make me feel. To be left out of all the major decisions in your life. Decisions that never included me or involved me.
[20:03] Sim: You always speak in the first person about yourself. Like I'm an accessory to your life. In fact I wrote in my Aspergers Journal that "I made him an integral part of my life as you do when you have a partner, but all I'll ever be is an accessory to his."
[20:04] Sim: Don't worry none of our friends know about my Aspgers LJ.
[20:11] MGharlane: I'm trying to explain my feelings to you. Difficult as I find that to do. Yet all you do is keep accusing me of being self-centered, etc. What's the point of continuing this dialog if you're going to keep trashing me every time I try and explain something about myself. This is one of the reasons I don't talk emotionally as much as you like because when I do, what I say gets shoved back in my face.
[20:15] Sim: I'm more than happy for you to talk about your feelings, but I want to be able to share that conversation by talking about my own because they impact on each other. I'm not trashing you, I'm actually trying really hard to explain to you why I'm feeling this way because your words are very practical and rational just now. And as you l know I'm all about feeling. So please do tell me about your feelings, about us....
[20:17] MGharlane: that's what I feel I've been trying to do and I don't feel you have listened to a single word I've said.
[20:20] Sim: Funnily enough I feel the same that your not hearing me - lol.
[20:20] Sim: So please tell me what you feel
[20:23] MGharlane: I started this by saying ABC. Instead of addressing ABC and then steering things towards XYZ you just jumped to XYZ. From then on, things have proceeded at two different levels.
[20:24] Sim: okay now I'm confused - go back to talking about ABC
[20:25] Sim: it's why people have mediators - lol
[20:29] MGharlane: That was my first message about being quite depressed about a number of things. You then just jumped to the issue of feeling deserted (or whatever word you want to use) with me buying the flat.
[20:30] Sim: I understood your comments about depression and you raised a number of subjects in your words. I just took the first one to talk about first.
[20:32] MGharlane: Yes, but the central critical point of the message was the depression I am feeling, not the collective reasons. You jumped to the reason that mattered to you the most and missed the point.
[20:33] Sim: okay - I get the point now. Sometimes the feelings overtake when your involved.
[20:33] Sim: how strong is the depression?
[20:38] MGharlane: It's not the black depression I felt when I was about 20. But it's just this slow, grinding despairing feel. Being overwhelmed and wishing everything would go away. I can't tell you how much this PhD thing hangs around my neck like a millstone. More than that, the real requirement that I'm supposed to do research as part of my job - which means publishing papers. I have none published. Look at what happened with Wollongong. I luv my job in general but this aspect makes me very fretful.
[20:39] Sim: are you scared of failing
[20:40] MGharlane: I suppose I'm scared that one day the faculty will tap me on the shoulder and tell me publish or perish.
[20:42] Sim: I know how frightening that would be for you, especially as so much of who you are is defined by your role at uni
[20:42] MGharlane: There is a lot of pressure on the uni's to build up their research profiles and that is putting lot more pressure on academics. At the same time money is being cut by the government and being farmed out using increasingly competitive schemes that are forcing the uni's to fight tooth and nail between themselves for money to survive.
[20:43] Sim: I know this.
[20:43] Sim: It's everywhere
[20:43] MGharlane: I suppose I feel very threatened and I find that very paralysing
[20:44] MGharlane: Then there is the situation between us. I don't know where we stand at the moment. I've bought the flat and that's not going to change. I really like you and care for you and absolutely don' but I also know we both want fundamental things from each other that we can't deliver.
[20:45] MGharlane: absolutely don't want to hurt you
[20:50] Sim: I'm just exhausted trying to deal with the Aspergers all the time. I don't know when to get angry and say "that's just bad behaviour so stop it" or when to pull back and say "Okay that's Aspergers, be understanding." I know you don't want to hurt me or anyone else on this planet, but your passion for swinging and having sex with other women is a wall between us now because it feels like it has become more important to you over the last 5 years and so has grown in size. I guess i want you to understand that that passion makes me feel insecure, unimportant to you and inferior.
[20:52] Sim: And so you're right in saying that it's a fundamental difference between us now, but why wasn't it at the beginning? What happened over the last 5 years to make this passion grow in you?
[21:05] MGharlane: I was still learning about me and when I first met you I thought you were someone I could explore this side of me with. When I first met you I told you I was growing tired of the BDSM Scene and was exploring the Swinging Lifestyle. hence my friendship with Janine. My interest in BDSM has always been sexually motivated and I was really bored with all the thunk, thunk, whip, whip of parties. I'm still very turned on by BDSM play but it's not the be all and end all for me as it is with others and used to be with me. I've thought and read a great deal about this. I have slowly come to understand in myself that I'm emotionally monogamous but sexually not. That rules out polyamory then. Furthermore, I have realised that I'm not that fussed about an open relationship but want a partner with whom we can explore and share our non-monogamy with each other. This primarily means swinging. It's taken a long, long time for me to sort this out inside myself.
[21:12] Sim: I wish you had sorted that out with me not in isolation of me. Because whilst you've been sorting that out I've been sitting here trying to fathom what the hell was going on inside of you. I told you in the beginning that I would try swinging & see if I liked it. But it was awful Gorodn. It was sleazy and gross and full of people who can only talk about sex, nothing else. I tried really hard to explain to you that the people who swing don't like big girls. You kept saying "we have to keep trying to find people who do." But I don't think you realised that the constant trying was slicing my self-esteem down further and further as the rejections piled up. Then you would get upset about nothing happening & I'd feel huge amounts of guilt for holding you back.
[21:13] Sim: So I understand that it's taken you a long time to sort this out about yourself but you should have done it with me, not behind my back making me second guess you all the time.
[21:25] MGharlane: I tried telling you about this at times and felt I didn't get anywhere. You kept hitting me with comments about how swingers where hedonistic and sleazy, that women couldn't be sexual without having an emotional content, etc, etc. In the end I felt I couldn't talk to you about it but it was driving me nuts trying to figure out where I was at.
[21:28] Sim: I can imagine it driving you nuts trying to figure it out and I guess I closed you out of talking about it because you seemed obsessed about it. Plus it hurt that swinging meant more to you than having sex with me. Still you should have told me what you were trying to think about it all, I don't ever remember you saying you never knew where you were at with it, I just remember you showing frustration that you weren't swinging. Maybe choice of words at the time prevented both of us from seeing where each other was coming from?
[21:30] MGharlane: I definitely think this is a wall we both built.
[21:34] Sim: I just wanted to focus on making "us" right and couldn't understand why you were so determined to go on that path without dealing with "us" first. I was angry that you wanted me to compromise towards your swinging passion yet you wouldn't compromise to my rope passion.
[21:38] MGharlane: Sim, I suppose we could go "he said, she said" all night but where would it get us? I'm wondering where we go from here.
[21:42] Sim: Hang on a minute, you're not interested in hearing my feelings at all? You've had your chance to tell me how you feel and I gave it to you but now you just want to move forward ???? You haven't answered any of my questions in this dialogue.
[21:42] MGharlane: sorry
[21:43] Sim: It's not always about you Gordon - that's my whole point!!!!!!!!!
[21:46] Sim: Why are you so selfish like this? You can't care about me if you aren't interested in how I feel.
[21:46] MGharlane: I'm sorry. I'm listening
[21:48] Sim: no you're not, you're wishing I'd spit the dummy and tell you to fuck off.
[21:49] MGharlane: I am sorry and I'm genuinely trying to listen.
[21:58] Sim: No, you're not interested Gordon. If you were you would have done so much more to try and work things out. You are making your desire for sex with others more important than "us", more important then me.
[21:59] Sim: And I deserve better than that
[22:03] Sim: You can't have a partner in your life and be so focused on only meeting your needs like this. It's narcissistic behaviour. Regardless of whether she swings or not, she will make the same demands on you as any other partner will. The ingredients are the same in all relationships (communication, consideration, love, intimacy, compassion), but you make the cake out of the icing (swinging/BDSM), and so it falls apart.
[22:08] MGharlane: Yes, you are right. I simply didn't know how to talk to you. I felt increasingly shut out but I certainly didn't intend to make this more important than you.
[22:11] Sim: Your flat is more important than me. Your work is more important than me. When you lived here your car was more important than me even! And I get the feeling that a lot of things in your life are always going to be more important than me.
[22:16] MGharlane: That's simply not true even if I haven't made that clear.
[22:36] Sim: I'm defeated by your obsessions. I'm distraught that my needs aren't met (simply because you don't want to, it's not that you can't), and I honestly wonder if you can actually tell me what my needs are? Please answer if you do.
[22:40] MGharlane: You've already made clear things like communication, love intimacy, compassion. Rope. Being with you rather than in the flat. Putting 'us' first..
[22:47] Sim: They are: to be loved, to be wanted/desired, to grow with someone, to have protection when I need it, to have intimacy and affection, security, confidence, someone to laugh with & explore life with. Rope is not a major need for me. Nothing BDSM wise is a major need for me. If you wanted to save this you would be asking what to do about it but you're already thinking of the next girl and how important it is that she be into swinging.
[22:47] Sim: I made a promise that if you actually gave me one ounce of hope to hold onto in regards to making this work I'd go there because at the end of the day I'm just another girl standing in front of a boy, putting herself in the most vulnerable position of all by saying "Please love me and make me feel like I'm enough for you."
[22:50] Sim: It's ok you don't have to answer that.
[22:57] MGharlane: But how do we make this work? I am completely stumped by this. You want me to be something I'm not or I want you to be something you're not. It cuts both ways and one of us has to compromise totally as far as I can see and is that right? And I do want those things of affection and security and laughter and mutual exploration (just that we want to explore in completely different directions). Give me an answer that works for both of us and I'll grab it.
[23:01] Sim: You can't put exploring those things down to a direction. They exist outside of swinging or BDSM,. They are completely vanilla things that are relative to a couple only, the human aspect , not their sexual interests. But you are literally saying you want the sexual interest to be as important as them by this.
[23:02] Sim: It won't work because you are too damned self focused on sex to make it work
[23:09] MGharlane: I am trying to find a way to make this work but you keep telling me I have to do it your way. I understand and readily accept you want the other things but the sexual aspect is important. The fact you seem to so tenaciously fight this makes this issue larger than it should be.
[23:16] Sim: What for? You don't love me. You can't say it. You don't show it. You don't kiss me, make love (although Sat came pretty damned close to it and it was lovely). I often wonder what you think of people like Nat and TB, Tash and Rod, people who are getting married, buying a place together, talking about how much they miss each other when they're apart, how much they love each other. I wonder how you hear those words, how you process that? Do you ever wonder what I might think of that? That I might like that. That I might be questioning why you don't act like that towards me? That our friends question why that doesn't happen between us?
[23:19] Sim: The only answer I have been able to come up with is that it's because "he doesn't love me." When you were in Melbourne and I told you I missed you & hoped you missed me. You answered "I certainly enjoy your company when we're together." The correct answer would have been a simple "me too."
[23:19] Sim: Sorry I'm not trashing you for that, I don't mean to sound like I am but I'm hurt & trying to work through it all.
[23:21] MGharlane: I know.
[23:24] Sim: But it really sends your head into a spin when you watch everyone else enjoying all of that good stuff and I'm just standing there knowing I can never touch that level with you. It's why weddings are so hard. Seeing two people who have the balls to declare love for each other in front of family and friends & be accountable for it. Whereas I'm not even walking on solid ground in my relationship.
[23:25] Sim: at any moment I keep waiting for you to develop an interest elsewhere and run off after it without giving me a second thought
[23:25] MGharlane: We were like that when we were first together but as the wall built between us we became increasingly estranged. I really don't know how to tear that wall down and find a solution that works for both of us.
[23:26] Sim: Look you're not answering me at all. Just forget it.
[23:27] MGharlane: I 'm not a run off sort of person and I could never do that 'without a second thought'
[23:34] Sim: Just forget it - you're not replying to me, to my feelings. you're not reading me at all. You still want a solution where you don't have to compromise. I hear you. But I'm sick of you always having the cake and eating it too.
[23:34] Sim: When do I get to have a slice of my own cake?
[23:39] Sim: Look, my head hurts - just go and fuck who you want, whenever you want and forget about "us". You've made it really clear tonight that you have no feelings for me or that you're prepared to work this out mutually, where we both compromise. And I can't have someone in my life like that. I deserve a loving partner who thinks I'm enough for them.
[23:40] MGharlane: For gawds sake. I'm trying to give you your cake and you refuse to listen. I keep trying to point out we have a fundamental conflict over something that is important to us and your solution seems to be for me to drop it. Do you really think this will go away. Why do you think I stopped trying to talk to you about it? Because this was the response I got.
[23:41] Sim: you're the one who won't compromise on it!
[23:41] Sim: at the end of the day I deserve a loving partner
[23:41] Sim: that's it.
[23:44] MGharlane: A loving partner is a foundation but if their are conflicts over important issues then that may not be enough.
[23:48] Sim: Swinging is not an important issue to me nor is BDSM, but to you it's the main issue, an issue you won't compromise on. So don't worry about it. Sex comes from the loving partnership foundation. Not the other way round.
[23:49] Sim: I don't want to talk anymore. I have a splitting headache, have to work in the morning and feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
[23:49] Sim: Just go and do what what you want to do.
[23:49] MGharlane: I think it's time we went to bed. I'm getting very tired and we are just at loggerheads over this.
[23:49] Sim: I'm finished with it
[23:49] Sim: there's no point in "us" continuing.
[23:51] MGharlane: I think it has come to that then.
[23:51] Sim: don't be so patronizing. I've been trying to tell you that all night.
[23:52] MGharlane: I'm not trying to be patronizing.
[23:53] Sim: I'm going to bed.

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Betrayal in the worst possible way

Jan. 15th, 2007 | 11:52 am

He lied.

He told me he was not looking for another woman, not going to parties and playing with other women, not looking for a new girlfriend for anything.

But he lied.

I asked him why he went to L's party and what did he do there. He replied that he just socialised all night, caught up with a heap of people he knew, talked.

The truth is he took an old friend of mine to the party and played publicly with her. This was less than a month after we separated. Apparently he takes her swinging with him now. She works as a sex worker in my local area.

We had arguments about her when we were together because she would muscle in on him all the time, trying to occupy all of his attention at my parties, very creepy predatory female behaviour.

How long as this been going on? I have no idea. But I suspect for quite a few months whilst he was living in Sydney.

He is a cad.

Apparently some of my friends knew about it back in Oct/Nov when it happened but no one told me until now. I wish I'd known back then and not spent the last 3 months grieving for a man who treats people so dreadfully. It's amazing how quickly I have turned from compassion and empathy towards him to disrespect and loathing.

It's been good for me in terms of moving on. I could severe my feelings immediately. I feel wonderful now :)

He said he never wanted to be labelled a troll or predator again when I first met him and that he had busted his guts trying to be a different person and attract a girlfriend who was high calibre. Well you got her buddy and she left you.

He is still the predator, the troll, the man obsessed with sex that he was 5 years ago before I met him. He hasn't changed. The last 5 years was just pretence for him. No wonder he couldn't keep the charade up. His true character couldn't be suppressed for much longer.

Every day I see her add in the local paper "Grace, mature, busty lady with class and style" and I laugh. Class and style my arse - she was equally as predatory as he was!

Being furious and angry is incredibly energizing. His behaviour with Grace or Alex or whatever the hell her real name is, has created a sense of vindication in me that I needed to feel.

Sad I am that I'm reduced to that feeling, but it does feel liberating and good.

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Picking the pieces up

Jan. 9th, 2007 | 09:52 pm

Was talking to a peer today, not someone at my work but with another agency. I told her I had separated recently and we got talking, the subject of why we separated came up.

"He had Aspergers".
"Oh crap how long were you together?"
"5 years."
"Good god you lasted that long?"

It seems to be most people's reaction who understand the condition. The global empath in me feels sympathy for all the hundreds of people out there with Aspergers and the unlikelihood that they will find happiness in full time relationships; unless their neurotypical partner has their own issues.

But for most of us, we didn't have issues before we met them. We were competent, intelligent, personality driven women who met an intelligent, eccentric, usually fairly attractive man who seemed mysterious and cautious with a childlike manner. Once they seduced us into their world , it became almost an honour to see the sensitive side of them, the hurt little boy that rarely receives expression and we can't but help nurturing that, to try and bring his voice out.

What we bring out instead is the egocentric teenage boy, always wanting his own way and rebelling against your affection like it's a disease. But we never give up, we know the sensitive boy is in there and it almost becomes a life journey searching for him, waiting for him to speak out because we live for those moments of gentleness. it's the one thing we hold onto in this relationship, the gentleness of that child within the man.

But in taking that journey we loose ourselves. We forget what our strengths are, of what our favourite aspects of our personality are, our gentle sides, our confident sides, the strength of the woman whom he picked above all others for her strength and capability.

When we separate, we need to find her again. We need to dig deep and find those qualities that we liked so much, that we spent the majority of our lives developing and we need to give them voice. Digging deep however, brings up feelings of disappointment, feelings of guilt, even feelings of self-betrayal. But we have to ride those feelings, given them explanation and let them go.

Once we get past them, we have full access to our identities again and are even in a position to modify them to being even stronger and more capable than before.

In time, we will be so much more than we were previous to him. We can change, we can see the way we want to be and we can pursue that.

In time, we will look back on this experience and wonder how we fell so far from the grace of who we have become.

In time, we will be everything we have the potential to be.

But we need to be empathic to, but not responsible for, the fact that they, may be the same.

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it is about me

Jan. 8th, 2007 | 12:44 pm

I am in a really good place now.

And I'm proud I got here by myself.

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Strange things

Jan. 8th, 2007 | 11:36 am

One of my friends said recently to me that she was worried I was depressed. She said " I read that and got worried." I wanted to say to her "then why did you not ring me, talk to me about it?" She thinks the fact that I'm sleeping a bit more than usual and that I'm not much into food is a sign of mild depression. If she was worried about it why not tell me? Then this morning she writes on my other LJ "we didn't need Gordon as background info" or something like that. So I'm not allowed to mention him in relation to specific issues?

I kind of feel a bit let down by my closest friends. Especially when I was constantly there for 2 of them when they broke up with their boyfriends. I was online all the time talking to them, being a good listening, giving them support and love. Both of them took over 6 months to stop the heavy D&M cry sessions.

It's been 10 weeks since I left G and I haven't had more than 2 crying sessions. Both of them in the first 2 weeks it happened.

I just wanted to be heard and have a good hug and a cry.

I expect too much from people I guess.

Or people just like having me around to be the counselor for them when their worlds fall apart.

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2007 comes a calling

Jan. 1st, 2007 | 10:07 am

And so a new chapter begins.

I've decided to turn my writings into a book.
I'm hoping people can learn from the mistakes I made, the mistakes he made and hoping find some words of wisdom or comfort in the often incredibly un-normal relationship of Aspergers people. I think it would be healthy for me to do this and cathartic.

I guess the more information out there, the more people have the opportunity to find solace, healing and understanding.

I need to have something positive come out of 2006, rather than it just be the most emotionally tumultuous and hurtful year of my life.

I think I'll call the book "As loud as my heart". I started writing a novel about it but I found it too personal an adventure, but the following conversation between him and me echos in my head every day and it's what's influenced the title.

“It’s you, your heart is just, just so… loud!”
“It has to be, it has to be loud enough for both of us!” she cried, stopping to deal with the tears flowing fast.
“I….I can’t cope with that.” He whispered defeated, head falling in his hands.
“I need to hear yours,“ she begged, placing herself in the most vulnerable position of all. “I can’t be loud for both of us anymore.”

They both sat there in silence, she destroyed by the emotion of the moment and him unable to grasp it.

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Intellectual responsibility

Dec. 27th, 2006 | 12:16 pm

I had my sister stay with mew a few days ago. She has brain damage but for years as a child she was treated for Autism. She is not Autistic however, they just couldn't define her problems back then. Her official diagnosis is intellectual disability. I was reminded of how literal I needed to be with her. I asked her to pick a small group of pebbles, about 10 of them, that had blown over into my yard from the neighbours yard. I asked her to pop them back in their garden. 15 minutes later I looked for her and found her picking up every pebble or stone in my front yard and putting them in the neighbours garden. I was about to say "N I only meant that small group!" and then I remembered that she can't help being the way she is, so I shut up and thanked her for the good job.

I thought to myself afterwards, how come it's so easy to be patient with my sister like that but not G? Did I hold him up to a higher behaviour standard than her? I mean both of them have brains wired differently. Is it simply because my sister doesn't live with me and so patience is easier?

I'm hoping the reason is intellectual responsibility. My sister can't cognitively process that she has a brain wiring problem. Asperger's people can. They should process that and so take steps to correct it or adapt to it. They have a responsibility to to do that as much as we have a responsibility to do the same when dealing with them. it's a two-way street of compromise, patience, compassion and learning. Both partners have to work together on it.

And that's what I call intellectual responsibility.

The Aspergers person has the responsibility to accept their behaviour differences and the impact on others and actively engage in mechanisms to make the impact less striking on their partner.

The partner has the intellectual responsibility to accept that the behaviour and it's impact will not always be neurotypical and that they need to adapt their responses to it and utilise emotional intelligence to minimise the impacts on themselves & show the Aspergers person what is and isn't acceptable.

It's bloody hard work for both people, I won't lie. It takes vigilance, discipline and often times, insists that you forgo certain niceties in your relationship (soft things) just to get it working in an order you both can live with. Don't kid yourself that there will be romance, proactive emotional engagement, the strong sense of being loved. At best you'll feel like he's an adult/child that you have to nurture but whose loyalty you an trust beyond question. G and I did this in the beginning, the constant working on behaviours, attitudes and setting ground rules for what is right and wrong between us, but the more comfortable he got with me, the less and less he felt he needed to tried to correct or adapt his behaviours, leaving me with all the work,all th compromising towards him. And obviously I was so busy trying to do the work of both of us, that I lost myself.

Until I cracked open wide & left him.

Intellectual responsibility is paramount in an Asperger's marriage I believe. Both of you need to constantly work on being responsible for the things you can control. He will need to be responsive to his behaviours and the impacts of them, and you will need to be responsive to your reactions to his behaviours, setting ground rules as to what is or isn't acceptable as well as show compassion and understanding towards his often non neurotypical behaviours.

If you both konw that you are both working hard towards achieving intellectual responsibility, then you have the foundation for a prosperous relationship.

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Sense of betrayal

Dec. 24th, 2006 | 02:16 pm

It hit me the other night. And I got so angry. I realised that he got everything he wanted. He wanted a single life, financial independence, living in Sydney, going to swinging parties and having sex with whoever he likes as much as he likes.

And he got it all.

Me, I got nothing. I'm in the exact position I was before I met him. Financially strapped in a house to big for one person and too in need of work to sell or rent out.

I made all the decisions affecting me about him too.

He never made his decisions about me at all. He actually believes that he was compromising by staying here in the house with me as long as he did when he really wanted to be living back in Sydney. He never told me that of course until the very end. As with typical Aspergers, his compromise was all about him.

I will always feel betrayed by him because all of his wants and desires (not needs) he got in leui of me getting anything back.

I never got the partner I wanted and asked him for.
I never got an emotionally open companion which I asked for.
I never got financial relief by sharing the costs of the house.
I never got solid ground to build a future together.
I never got the feeling of confidence that I was loved & desired.
I never got a social companion who I could have fun at parties with.

Yet he got it all, all he wanted and even though he agreed to the above with me, he never measured up.

I know it seems strange throwing that kind of criteria at an Aspie but I did at the initial stages of us, I wanted to make sure he was able to go there. I thought I'd done the right thing.

I guess Aspies never change their spots. Maybe somewhere inside he wanted that too, maybe he was hoping to go there, thought he could beat it?

But there I go again, giving him a soft option for getting out of not measuring up & being considerate to my needs. I have to keep remembering that.


It's a hard pill to swallow when your a counselor. You always want to see the best in people and I have to remember that sometimes, it's just not possible.

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And so it's our anniversary

Dec. 7th, 2006 | 09:27 pm

Well it would have been had we stayed together.

Don't know why I bother thinking about it, he would never remember it or think it of any importance. But it was hugely important to me, as it is with most people. I emailed him to see if he was ok, but I guess like the 3 other emails I've sent him he'll just not answer it. He's ignoring me completely. Yet he still has stuff in the house that he needs to get. But he's closed up.

As have my friends.

I still haven't broken down and cried it out. No-one is making me feel like I can.

At work I'm happy faced, laughing, being jovial and not showing my true feelings. But my 2 closest friends there are in fabulous times of their lives (one is just in love and the other pregnant), so I keep up the face of happy me so I can share in their happiness with them.

My social friends seem to be ignoring me. I see them online but it's always me who initiates conversation. Sometimes I sit here for over an hour and they never contact me.

Are they afraid to ask that dreaded question "How are you?" Afraid that I'll tell them?

Then they'll berate me for not talking enough about it (like the counsellor), but they give me no sign that they'd be willing to take that on. In fact, that's one of the problems being a counsellor, everyone wants you at your strongest, because then you can get them through their crappy days. But no-one wants to see you when your down because if you're down, you can't help them.

In fact not one person has come to see me since I separated. I was kind of hoping they'd come down and help me through it for a night. A bunch of girls, drinking and laughing and crying and moaning the lack of good men - lol. That sort of thing. K and L did get an upset phone call each from me around the time it first happened and they were great then. But I've not really spoken about it to anyone since then (just a little one night with J) and that's been 4 weeks.

My family... well my dad said nothing much at all just "yeah your mother told me", my mother basically told me "well it was boung to happen... he has another woman....you're silly not to know that..." the usual mother patronising daughter for making another bad choice in male partner comments. That's all the family I have.

So no-ones been a great help. And it just reminds me of how alone I am.

So I'm still breaking into tears for 10 minute spats here and there. Sneaking into the toilet for a quick cry when the happy bubbles are too much in the office. Soon I'm out bouncing with them again :)

My life is such a lie like that. A charade, a masked illusion.

A mask behind which stands a girl who had someone break her heart.

And she's slowly trying to find the pieces.

Just like I did over 10 years ago when P (my partner) died, I come home and close the door after being jovial, helpful and happy all day with people.... and I just sit in the vaccume of my mind.

I have nothing left inside for me.

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